Someday my Mum will be free; free from the trapped world she lives in. Someday she will be able to talk again, walk again, and feed herself again. Someday my guilt for allowing her to suffer will diminish. Someday her dignity will be restored. Sadly, the day this happens, will the day she will depart from this world and I will never see her again. I wish that someday would come soon! Someday I will stop praying for her death.
I tried to kill my Mum once. There she was lying as still as a statue – she looked dead. Her skin had that youthful tight glow that appears just before death. Her breath was so shallow. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was dried shut. I listened intently for her last breath to come; willing her release to be quick, but her silent breaths continued. The doctors had called and explained she could go at any time, but they would do their best to revive her. I tried to explain, that my Mum wouldn’t want this, she didn’t want to be living her life like this; she wanted to go! I explained that my Mum knew she had dementia and knew she would end up like this and she made us, her children, promise to end her suffering. Sadly, none of us could do it. We couldn’t murder our own mother. We couldn’t put her out of her misery.
The doctor left me alone in my Mum’s room and closed the door. I kissed my Mother’s cheek and rested my fingers over her nose. For a couple of seconds my fingers tightened across my Mum’s nostrils. Suddenly, my Mum opened her mouth slightly and drew breath in. I released her fingers and cried with relief – she was still alive, I hadn’t killed her. My heart felt tight as if it was being crushed by a tight fist and I began to sob loudly. The doctor and nurses returned to the room, trying to comfort me, saying they would do their best, not to give up hope. Both of us were hoping for a different outcome.
My Mum is still alive. That experience was a few years ago and my Mum remains in her cocoon. I’ll never be able to hold a conversation or ask her opinion about anything. She will never tell me off, put me down or humiliate me. She will never laugh with me again. Mostly, I miss laughing with my Mum. I morn for my Mother every day and pray someday soon she will be free.
Wednesday 11 January
Yesterday I took the plunge and Joined Title Boxing in the hope that it will help shift some pounds and get me in better shape. I really enjoyed the class and left sweaty and feeling positive.
I admit that I am quite a negative person who over analyses everything. Looking at my Facebook recently, I realised a friend of mine, whom I met teaching and had long since moved to Canada, had no Facebook pictures posted. I knew she had recently had a baby and wanted to see how she was getting on. I was disappointed that I couldn’t find her and assumed the worst, she must have defriended me. I know – pathetic. Today I received a delighted reply from an email that I sent her.Sadly, she had taken down her Facebook down because her father had been murdered by his own cousin.
Lesson learned. There are many reasons why people stop being in touch. Her other news, she thought she might be pregnant again. My friend remains upbeat, positive and forward looking. I need to learn to be more like her!
Monday 9 January
This morning I spent a couple of hours reading through past journals that I have written and what became apparent and very sad, was that I have spent so much time writing weight loss goals and recording what I have eat. Despite this yearly journaling, my weight has gone up every year! So how do I stop making the same mistakes?
As I read through my journals, I identified that I eat when I am frustrated and upset, so I concluded that I am frustrated and upset quite often. So what are my problems and how can I overcome them?
Another theme I discovered is that I am constantly looking back, running away from negative problems and holding grudges. I certainly pretend that I have moved on and forgiven people. A friend of mine indicated that it makes me a victim and allows people to bully me – people mostly being family members. Perhaps writing this blog will allow me to vent, so I can truly forgive and forget and move on in my life.
So where I am right now? Thousands of miles away from everyone, including my family that I love and cherish. I need to work out where I want to be and how do I get there?
As for my weight loss goal – still on track and doing well.
Day 1 (197 pounds)
Sunday 8th January
This is my very first blog and I don’t actually know what I am doing. I decided to write my weight loss journey down to try to keep myself accountable. Accountable to who, you may ask – well me, my conscience. In the past I’ve tried journaling, but kept it private and therefore didn’t keep it up. So my idea, create a blog, imagine the world is reading and perhaps I’ll feel like a contestant on the Biggest Loser challenge; determined, inspired and accountable.
My goal is to lose 50 pounds and keep it off. I aim to do this by counting calories and trying to keep under 1500 and I am using My Fitness Pal to monitor my progress. My goal is to try to eat more fresh fruit and vegetables. I also intend to do some exercise everyday. My first day went well and I fulfilled all my goals.
I went to see the film Passengers at the cinema. Despite my son informing me that all the reviews were negative, I really enjoyed the film and would recommend seeing it.
I know this isn’t the most exciting of posts, but I have begun. Tomorrow, I’ll share more about myself and how this time I will reach my destination.